“The food we feed ourselves is a symbol of our self-love.”
My difficulties with food began when I was almost 20 years old. So at the same time as the first serious relationship problems. In retrospect I can clearly see the connection between everything. My problems with myself, in relationships and with food, everything is connected.
It began with the fact that I ate less and less bit by bit. At some point there were only one or two meals a day, or I replaced a meal with something small, like an apple. Since I have always been very thin, even as a child, I didn’t get so thin.
I was never that extremely lean. My minimum weight was 46 kilos at 1.66 cm. With appropriate clothing I never really looked ill. My family sometimes asked me that I was very thin, but here I always blocked immediately. I got really bitchy when it came to this topic and at some point nobody dared to talk to me about it anymore. I even got compliments from friends and colleagues for being so slim.
Although I ate so little, I didn’t realize then that my eating habits were not normal. I weighed myself several times a day and constantly took some food supplements. Mostly vitamins, which is not bad in principle. But also some fat blockers. I always wanted less food. I wanted to get thinner and thinner. The whole thing became a kind of competition.
My goal was to always stay under 50 kilos. When I weighed 51 kilos, I felt fat. At some
It always had to be low in fat and the light version, and I was watching very closely to make sure it wasn’t too much. My goal was to keep reducing my food. It was still supposed to be a little less and I got more and more into this anorexia. Now I know why it’s called anorexia because that’s exactly what it is. An addiction.
At some point the guilty conscience came along when I ate something. Food became something that makes you feel bad. Something that was forbidden. I loved it best when I was completely empty. Then I felt light. Every little bite I had immediately felt as heavy in my stomach.
When I think about when exactly the vomiting occurred, a key experience comes to my mind. I was in a difficult relationship with a young man who rarely had time for me. I remember that he showed up three hours late, put a pizza in my room and then left again. Since I was still full of my emotionally unstable personality disorder at the time, I had no idea at all what a healthy relationship was all about.
Besides, I had no hold within myself. I often felt very lonely and abandoned. Well, in any case I wrapped the whole pizza into myself in a hurry and then vomited everything again. This was the first time that I had thrown up with my own intention.
After that it happened more often that I vomited what I had eaten. Whenever I felt very bad, when there was an argument, when something happened that hurt me, I vomited. Whenever I found life “sucking”, so to speak. In those moments I even ate something purposefully so that I could vomit it again afterwards.
That went on for about two years. Even then I still could not admit to myself that something was wrong. I didn’t tell anyone about my problems, because I was so ashamed of it. Only when my eating behaviour returned to normal and I learned a healthier way of dealing with myself did I talk about it for the first time.
After I threw up once and burst my veins due to the pressure in my eyes, I finally came to the point where I knew it couldn’t go on like this anymore. This experience opened my eyes so to speak. From this point on I finally accepted that I had an eating disorder and that I had to deal intensively with the subject.
I then came across a book on the Internet that actually helped me to gradually free myself from this dilemma. In addition, I have not only acquired knowledge about the disease, but also knowledge about a healthy diet. Later I even trained as a nutritionist.
In retrospect it is actually a madness what the human body can stand. How tough you are. I ate almost nothing, did sports like crazy and still felt totally fit. That was, I think, the real problem for a long time, why I kept going like this. I didn’t feel sick. I felt fit and got compliments. Unfortunately, as a young person you often don’t even notice how you actually harm yourself. The physical problems come later.
It took me a few years to get to where I am today. Today, food is no longer an issue for me. This means that I no longer have to think about eating. I no longer have to weigh myself. I eat regularly and never buy the Light version again.
I’ve been very busy with healthy eating and now I live by it. And when I feel like it, I treat myself to something sweet. I can enjoy food again and see it for what it is: Namely our elixir of life! I am still thin, but I see how thin I am and when I am too thin. I see myself as I am. When I feel bad, I still tend to eat less. But I am aware of it and especially in these times I am very careful with myself.
